New Me

            I stood behind the black curtain to wait for my name to rave through the club, and it’s only 2:30 in the morning.  The nerves are jittering and my feet feel cold…talk about having cold feet; who would have ever thought that the phrase can be true.  I hear Keren’s voice outside of the curtain introducing me and helping me make my grand entrance.  The lights began to dim, and the white light in the back of the stage, where I was standing, turned on.  This was my cue to turn around and face away from the audience.  Keren finally was making her notorious speech for me, “Now- to make tonight memorable here is the sexy, loving, twilight saint….Night Flare!”  The curtain opened slowly, and the mist machine was running as my heart pounded waiting for my song to start; first up, the violins…then the words.  I closed my eyes and began to sing the first verse, feeling the atmosphere of how I should maneuver my voice to intrigue the audience.  Then the jazzy song picked up its rhythm and I turned to face everyone.  Took a few steps forward so that everyone could see my face and at that moment I recognized who I was to sing to.  A young man, no older than 26 years of age, sat on the second row with a questioning look on his face.  He had sky blue eyes, and a well built body.  He looked like he was a professional trainer, there’s no doubt that he’s paid very well because the suit that he was wearing was the status of a lawyer or a minister; very fancy and elegant.  He stared at me while I interacted with the audience, did some sexual kicks in the air, and flaunted my toned body for those who can see me up close; even let them touch me if they could.  Now comes the instrumental part of the song, and this is where I let loose and take off the Tuxedo, and throw it to the side of the stage.  I shake my hips so sexually that the crowd starts to “Whoop!” and whistle making the energy of my performance more extravagant than it started.  I begin to walk off stage to get closer to all those who want a better look at me while I kick on the beat of the jazzy trumpet and drums.  I walk towards the sky blue eyed man and dance only a Broadway star could ever dance and leaving him in awe at the way that I move.  Before I could turn away I had one good look at his face, but at that moment something happened that I would have never expected.  He smiled, and then his eyes sparkled.  This was the sign that I needed, and so I made my way back on the stage singing the last verse of the song carrying each word with triumph, and power.  I sing the last few words as an everlasting mark to this wondrous night as a symbol that I am a charming young man; leaving the audience at a point of thirst for more.  On the last note the curtain slowly falls to make the audience believe that the performance was enchanting, sexy, and absolutely amazing.  At this moment I take a deep breath, turn away, and head for my dressing room.

            I sat once again in front of my mirror to see how I look and the one thing I notice was Knaidar standing at the door waiting for me to recognize him.  “Knaidar, what the hell are you doing at the door?  Trying to scare the shit out of me?” I said taking off the sweat with a towel located on the side of my dresser.  “Nah…I just wanted to congratulate you on your successful performance.”

“Knaidar you’re always there to watch my performance what’s with the sudden visit?”

“Nothing it’s just that…today was a special day for you and I wanted to make sure that you know you did an excellent job.  That’s all.”

“Uh huh…you’re too much you know that.”

“Hahaha.  I hear that a lot”

“So who was the producer?  Was it that guy with the sky blue eyes?”

“Sky blue?  Nah bro that was the husband of the producer.  The producer is a woman.  She was sitting right next to him.  She had on a black dress that kinda looked like it belonged to Vogue.”  “Oh my god did he really say that?  Was this really true?…I can’t believe I made a mistake.  Now what? I must have looked like a fool on stage.  Did anyone notice it?  Oh please god let this not be true…”

“Why?  You thought the husband was the producer?” asked Knaidar.

“Yea I thought he was since he looked so professional.  He had like a really expensive suit so I took a logical guess.”

“But I thought you knew who I was indicating to?”

“Well I guess it seems like I really didn’t know.  Anyways it’s alright.  I have to get ready to meet the crowd.  Who knows who’ll want me?  Hehehe.”

“You’re such a whore Laus.”

“Yea, but at least the money comes rolling in!”  Once Knaidar left I looked back at the mirror and thought, “This is going to turn out to be a disaster.  Or maybe he didn’t even notice?  But his eyes sparkled!  What does that mean?  Oh I can’t go out there.  I’ll just make a fool of myself.  No I won’t go out.  I’ll stay right here and wait just a few minutes to collect myself again.” But at this moment I hear Cornelius’s voice right out my door.  “Yes miss he’s right in here.  Don’t worry he’s decent.”  Then a sweet harmonious voice that sounded very soft and lovely spoke.  “Thank you very much sir.  This won’t take long I promise.”  I felt my heart pound yet again and thought that I would pass out right before this woman comes in.  I had a flash back of the stage, and the things I saw and did and wondered what she saw.  “Ah you must be Night Flare.  Nice to finally meet you!  I’m Larisa the producer.”  “Oh please call me Laus. Night Flare is too…eh well Laus just sounds normal.  Please take a seat!”  I was so excited by her presence that I didn’t find the right words to express myself.  She had a gorgeous black dress that was completely fitted to her body showing how curvaceous she is.  The best feature of her was her miss matched eyes.  One was brown and the other was blue.  She was about 5 feet 2 inches with stilettos, so in actually she might have been 4 feet 11 inches.  Pretty short for someone with a beautiful body.  I sat her in a seat that was designed for haircuts and she seemed to be a woman of high class just by the way she walked.  If I had to guess her nationality I would say that she is Ecuadorian.  “So that was quite a performance that you put out there”, she said in her most sweet like manner.

“Why thanks!  I always try my very best to put on a great show.  Keep the customers coming back for more.”

“I think that’s an understatement if you ask me.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Well it’s just that the performance was so spectacular that I feel that most people underestimate your performance level.  It seems like you were just born to have a knack for the stage.”

“Well I have been singing and acting since I was little…”

“There you go!  You’ve been doing this long enough to get recognized.  I have a proposition for you.  I would like you to join me in doing a performance at this club that has recently opened in New York City.  It’s said to be very well known and the stage is absolutely high tech.  My husband is a writer of music and I would like you to sing his songs while I’ll be the one who makes the arrangements for you.  What do you think?”

“Well what’s the pay?”

“The pay is $5,000 weekly and that is just a starting”

“Five thousand dollars?!  This is just insane! But then what would happen to this place?  I love it here and…eh what the hell!  Yea I’m in!  When can I start?”

“In about a week.  We’ll give you a call when all preparation takes place.”

“Oh alright.  Well thanks for the opportunity!”

“No thank you!  We’ve finally found someone who is worthy of our songs.”  And with that she left, and the smell of Heavenly from Victoria Secret lingered in my room.  Finally…my moment to shine has come.  And the husband is the lyricist, so that means that I’ll be working very closely to him.  Well let’s just see where this is going to fall.  But even though the money seems to be very enticing I don’t want to leave Knaidar and Cornelius here by themselves it’s like we’ve known each other since we were born…They’ll understand I guess.  The pay is just better and they’re always cheering me on.  They will understand.

            There was a time in my life, just like in everyone else’s life, where people of different thoughts, ideas, opinions, styles, etc. just seem to stick out as a life lesson learned.  But what about the people that happen to stay with you as a strong rock to lie on.  I have people like that in my life, but the one thing that seems to be our life adventure, our high; our thrill is the fact of how our story intertwines and blends to a theatrical performance full of comedy, sincerity, hate, passion, and most importantly…love.  Love that binds all of us together as a firm family with problems only God can understand.

            This story takes place on a warm summer day in middle of June followed by the streets of a busy city known as Vent.  They say that Vent is the main orchestra for dance, music, diversions, people of different races, and above all life.  Although in my opinion it’s a city of mischief full of men and women who flaunt themselves to one another in obvious ways that only people of low standards will tolerate.  In the daytime everyone attends to their duties in order to make ends meet, but at night is when the sounds of salsa, meringue, hip hop, R&B, and reggaeton take control of these vibrant individuals that only look for night time fun.  You may think that this city is predominantly Hispanic and your thought is absolutely correct.  But the culture itself is an experience and only open minded individuals can indulge themselves in to understand our minds. 

            Within the city of Vent, a night club known as the La Mezcla de Amor is the hottest night club where anyone and anyone can hang to have fun; mostly the younger generation group within this facility.  I am one out of many who completely adore this phenomenal club, but the reason for me going there constantly is the fact that I am an entertainer.  This is the one place where my audience begs for me to flash my fancy style and moves, hype up the atmosphere and make a setting where all are welcome.  It may be considered my second home, but it’s evidently considered to be my comfort zone.  I am known as Night Flare the twilight saint.

            Tonight is supposed to be the night where important figures come and see my performance and evaluate if I’m “stage material”, or so I am told.  This is my opportunity to become a singer like I have always wanted.  At whatever cost I am determined to blow their minds away with what I can do, but from the looks of society male singers are very few, and I’m not one to feel I’m better than the rest of the world; still my job is to hype and ease the customers to the night life atmosphere.  Knaidar Strike, who is my dear friend at the club, has been my guardian angel throughout this whole process.  He’s fitted for a 24 year old man, and has the tendency to look down at people.  His piercing green eyes make this habit more effective in the sense of putting fear into customers is a second nature to him.  But once you get to know him he’s a…well he’s a bashful young man who constantly has a guard up to block human emotions from ever touching him.  Knaidar is the bouncer of the club and he’s always giving me a heads up of customers that either looks suspicious or ready to spend money on a flash dancer.  I’ve always known him to have keen eyes, so when the time was right he would indicate the “special” audience for me. 

Cornelius Robinson, the bartender is a man of mystery; never saying much, but always saying what’s relevant, considerate, and indefinitely important.  He’s looked as the god father of the staff for the simple fact of his awareness of what we all do and where we all go.  He makes sure that none of us end up in harms way, and we don’t commit an act that would cause the business to be shot.  He has a funny quirk of deciphering an individual just by looking at them, which is one of the reasons why I have a job. 

My fellow entertainers Keren, Amanda, and Diamond are the inseparable trios that are known to have bodies of goddesses; although their only flaw is their constant bickering and consecutive attitudes that they have with others are quite bothersome.  Sometimes they’re the cause for Knaidar having to kick people out, which I feel is money being thrown out the front door.  Nevertheless people are people and we all have to play our part here.

            Word got out that the famous producers were to show up at the club so initially many people decided to take the night to chill at the La Mezcla de Amor.  This only made my job a lot harder; now I’m to attend to more costumers, and the distraction level is at a peak.  I constantly turned my eyes to Knaidar to see if he recognized the producers, but to no avail did they arrive.  It wasn’t until 2 in the morning did they get to the place and boy did they bring a crowd with them.  Unfortunately I’m not one who is quite acquainted with popular individuals, so these people are not known to me yet, but they soon will.  Knaidar escorted them to the seating that is close to the stage and while he was on his way there he looked at my direction and indicated to me that I should prepare myself.  At that moment I froze; something that has never happened to me.  I went to my dressing room located behind the stage, and sat in front of my height length mirror to take a good look at my image.  I noticed how pale I became, but I took no attention to it, then suddenly my hands began to shake.  I felt light headed and just wanted to pass out, but at that moment Cornelius came in.  “Laus, how you feelin’?” he asked.  I wanted to respond to him, but my mouth stood shut and my will power felt at a submission to fear.  “Ah…well I never thought you were the type to get scared in front of people” he said. “I’m not.  It just that…well these people are like the ‘one in a life time opportunity’ sorta thing and I don’t want to disappoint them.”

“Disappoint them?”

“Yea you know let the public down?”

“Wow, since when have you doubted your performance level?” he said with an irritated voice.

“I’m not doubting it, it’s just…”

“Laus look at me”, and at that moment he took my face and turned it so that my eyes would meet his, and I would have no other choice, but to keep looking at him.  And these words he said I would never forget.  “You have never failed, and you never will.  You’ve always been a star and you know it”.   These words were perhaps the most precise foreshadow of my life, and I never thought for a minute that Cornelius was incorrect.  Before he left he hugged me, reassured that everything would be fine, and walked out.  Once he left I took out my tailed tuxedo out of my personnel closet and dressed for my number one favorite hit “Feeling Good” by Michael Bublé. I put on my cufflinks, white gloves, and my wireless ear microphone, took one more look into my mirror and saw the color return to normal, and headed out to the stage.

Hot, sexy, confident, daring, in your face, honest, true, loyal, seductive, animal, pure uncaged

That’s who he is and this is the start of his story

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Being somewhere in the clouds looking down and suddenly falling to earth

I dream that a cure for HIV/AIDS would be found and available to the public so that I could love him the way I want, and that they can love who they want.

I dream that I would live in fame and inspire the world to be better than what they have lived for.

I dream that the life of luxury would be laid before my feet and I would be able to design the way I want life to be.

I dream of a place where the sea breeze is whisked through my hair and a beautiful man standing beside me, who is the love of my life, who loves me back, and treasures my very soul as we look out to the sunset and feel that the world is right.

I dream of a world in which pain and suffering is not the prominent presence but a place where everyone is accepted for being who they are.

I dream of a love that is incomprehensible to the world and only the soul understands it’s existence.

I dream of a life that has no limits, no boundaries, no complications, everything is absolute and finite and the one who maneuvers fate itself would be none other than me.

I dream that my physique would be something to be proud and help others appreciate the body that was given to them and they can achieve the look they want.

I dream that I can dance on a stage and feel the heat of my body rise as a performance that can release every wrong done in my life so finally someone understands my sorrow and pain but know that I’m victorious in the end.

I dream of a a tuxedo affair and a performance that outshines any star and snuffs out with a bright light anything that has stopped me from being as lead performer and an audience that smiles and cries in a showcase sung by me.

I dream of colors of every shade composing a musical notion and demonstrate what true music and harmony can do by vibrating through the barriers of the mind, body, and soul.

I dream of happiness beyond expectations, of joy that is overflowing, of having the sensation of magical butterflies flapping a flame to turn up the heat and radiate through the pores.

I dream of a home…
A home where nothing but love exists.
Whoever walks in finds refuge, finds a space that has no judgements, the horrible criticism of the world does not reach their feet and creep up on their back. They can breathe in relief and accept rest.

I dream within a dream within that dream.  And I hear that “If you can dream it, then it can happen”

I dream that my dreams come true in  my lifetime.
 


Saul Medina

     It’s been a while since I have written something on Tumblr so I feel that it’s now appropriate to get back into blogging from time to time as there are some crazy thoughts that I have been searching and analyzing through in order to understand where people are coming from.

     This one is from none other than my first boyfriend whom I shared my life with for four years from the age of 16 to 20.  He was the first for almost everything but the one thing that was indefinite was that he was my first lover and first love.  Everything was done together and we shared everything behind closed doors whether it was sexual or something that was just sentimental.  

     At the time we were both on the down low and didn’t want anyone to know about our sexuality because it would have changed things dramatically and there was a possibility that we would have gone through some traumatic things.  I had more to loose than he did though, which was the unfortunate reality of yesterday and even still today.  The one thing we promised was we were never to speak about our relationship to the general public, but to continue to act as though we were still best friends.

   The third year into the relationship things changed as he was becoming very aggressive towards me due to his own insecurities as a gay teen.  Once the fourth year came I couldn’t take it anymore.  He was mean, rude, inconsiderate, controlling, manipulative, harassing, and verbally abusive…didn’t come to terms with it until recently that I went through so much in such a short amount of time and didn’t deserve not one bit of it.

     Anyways, the relationship ended on a very poor note and I had to do some serious recovery thinking.  I had been damaged mentally and there was scars and wounds like no other.  Just like everyone’s first its the reality check of life and just completely blows your mind and makes you wonder about the things that people say, think, and react on.  Then you question whether or not the time that was spent was real or just a whole show in which you wasted time, energy, and emotions.

    Well years pass by and I had not shown my face to him or the family, but I just went to see him about a week ago…and what I took out from our encounter is…”things never change”.  He’s still the same old denying twisted boy i had known and was embarrassed to even associate myself with. 

    We had smoked out and then when everyone left I had gone downstairs to bed and took my clothes off wanting to go to sleep and when he came down he had taken his clothes off too.  Both bare in bed he looks at me and says, “You are still so beautiful”.  Fuck I had not expected this and it made me feel happy to know that he still cared.  Unfortunately I made the mistake of allowing things to go even further than they did, so short story, we had sex, and it was the sex out of movie when the couple has been keeping themselves away from one another, but they are totally aware that they want to be together.

     After we had finished I was ready to sleep and then I see him putting on his clothes and leaving to go upstairs so I asked, “why are you leaving?” and his response was “I just don’t want to stay, and…if anything…this never happened”.  And so here’s the reality; he’s still in the closet, takes out his issues on someone that is gay, and can not come to terms with his sexuality.  It’s the unfortunately reality.

     Today I recieved a text message from him that just pretty much put the icing on the cake and makes me never want to hear, see, or even know his existence.  And it is as follows:

     “Hey man I just read the letter to your mom on tumblr, it’s a shame that you can’t have a functioning relationship with her but hey man, only time will tell, it’s not her fault it’s because she, along with my parents, grew up in a efferent time.  Anyway I just want to say, as much as your gayness can sometimes bother me, I still accept you for who you are.  So yeah, :) just though I should let you know that.  Btw set up an ask box on tumblr.”

     So I will open up an ask box….

     What do you all think about this whole situation?